Learn To Set Your Healthy Boundaries

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Date:

November 8, 2022

Author:

Milan Kordestani

Entrepreneur, writer, and founder of 3 purpose-driven companies oriented toward giving individuals control over their own discourse and creation. Milan works to produce socially positive externalities through a mindset of social architecture.

Hi! I'm Milan, an LA based founder and writer, architecting impact-first businesses.

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How To Set Healthy Boundaries

Can you define the boundaries of your life? I don't mean your physical boundaries like where you work, the places you hang out with friends and what's in your cupboard. We all know that, but I'm talking about emotional and mental boundaries. A lot of people can struggle with this and find it hard to set boundaries, sticking to them or even knowing when they need to be set.

Setting boundaries is one of the most important skills to have in life. We live in a culture that values kindness and generosity over confrontation. But saying no is an important way to protect your time, energy, and well-being. It’s important to remember that you are an individual with boundaries and limits, even when you care about someone a great deal. Here are some tips on how to set your own boundaries and make them stick.

What Is Boundary Setting?

Boundaries are sometimes difficult to define. When someone is doing something that directly affects you negatively, it's your responsibility to speak up and set a boundary. Even though you may feel guilty, you do have the right to say 'no' without having to explain yourself.

For example, as long as I can communicate my preference for not receiving work calls after hours in a respectful way (and not ignore it when it’s violated), then I am setting reasonable boundaries.

Why Do You Need Boundaries? The Benefits Of Setting Healthy Boundaries

So, are boundaries really important?  Are they a luxury or a necessity?  I believe that you must have them in order to have a balanced life. Boundaries help us avoid burnout, maintain our physical and mental health, and show up for the things that matter to us. Boundaries can be a gift, marking the limits we accept and those we don’t. They give us freedom, autonomy and control over our decisions.

If you want to understand the importance of healthy boundaries, here are some of the benefits of setting personal boundaries.

  1. Avoid burnout

When we don’t know how to say no, we can easily take on too much work or responsibility.  By setting boundaries, we can avoid overworking ourselves and make sure that the things that matter most get the attention they deserve.

  1. Reduce conflict

When we don't set boundaries, we tend to become resentful and lash out whenever people go too far. When we communicate effectively, we can avoid the conflict that arises when people unknowingly cross that line in the sand.

  1. Improve self-respect

When you fail to set boundaries with others, you become a doormat for them to walk all over, disrespecting your time and worth. Setting boundaries allows you to live an autonomous life by respecting yourself and saying no when needed. All you need to do is to stand up for what you believe in and live your best life. 

  1. Set clear expectations

People can't read minds. You have to tell others what your boundaries are so they know how to work best with you. That way, everyone's on the same page and there are no misunderstandings. So, understanding people and your needs are the principles for happiness. 

  1. Improve communication

Boundaries are an important part of communicating with others. Improving communication skills, we learn to say no, and they give us practice standing up for ourselves when our boundaries aren’t respected.

How To Set Healthy Boundaries

Setting healthy boundaries is easier said than done. To become better at setting boundaries, take these steps:

  1. Identify your needs

First, ask yourself what it is that you need. To be spoken to with respect?  More downtime?  Greater respect for your time?  It can be helpful to identify certain behaviors that bother you and ask yourself which need of yours isn’t getting met.  If someone is consistently late, you might need to set a boundary that your time is valuable and lateness infringes upon your ability to do other important tasks.

  1. Acknowledge your worth

You deserve to have your needs met and to feel respected, just as anyone else does. If you want to set boundaries, you must remember that you are deserving of them. Self-awareness helps to improve the quality of your life. 

  1. Examine existing boundaries

If you’re new to setting boundaries, a good place to start is by asking yourself if you’ve ever set any before.  If your colleagues know not to disturb you after a certain hour, for example, you can use this as a starting point for creating other boundaries in your life—perhaps with your spouse or children.

  1. Give yourself the gift of saying 'no'

You may feel guilty at first when you start saying no to people but don’t worry about it.  People may be frustrated by your sudden unwillingness to put up with their behavior, but they will get over it.  Saying no will become second nature soon enough.

  1. Communicate respectfully

It's one thing to tell someone what you need in a polite and respectful way. It's another to yell at them for violating your boundaries. Always show respect to others and communicate new boundaries in a clear way, as well as learn to bring up violations without anger.

  1. Practice civil discourse

Civil discourse is an effective way of having difficult conversations. It will help you to respect other people’s right to speak and communicate respectfully while also exercising your own right to be honest.

How To Make Sure You Stick To Your Boundaries Once They Are In Place

Setting boundaries is the first step to getting what you want from life.  Once you’ve put in place the boundaries that work for you, stick to them.  Here are a few ways to help you stick to them:

  1. Always keep your boundaries in mind

Be clear about your boundaries so that you can act firmly when others start to infringe.

  1. Have a plan at the ready

Don’t wait for others to violate your boundaries. Instead, decide how you’ll communicate with them when you wish to remind them of the boundary you’ve set.

  1. Learn from your mistakes

When you set a boundary, try not to be so rigid about it.  If a situation arises where, for example, you need to change your mind about what’s okay and what isn’t, don’t be afraid to communicate openly with those around you about why your boundaries have changed.

  1. Practice mindfulness

Mindfulness helps you become more aware of your emotions. This can help you handle your relationships more effectively and set boundaries when you need to.

  1. Seek out mentors

If you want to meet your own needs, try to find people who are good at getting their needs met and do what they do. Ask them questions and seek out their advice on setting your own boundaries. You may also help yourself with asking self-reflection questions to understand your real needs. 

Setting boundaries is not easy, especially when you're starting out. Unfortunately, setting good boundaries isn't a magical process where setting just one boundary causes all your problems to go away. Instead, it's a process that requires some willpower and effort. But if you want to set better boundaries in your life, keep reading. After all, as long as you keep at it and do the work, your efforts will pay off in the end.

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